I've done very little of note since my last entry, hence my delay in writing. I'm only doing this now because I know that if I don't, I'll keep forgetting.
Wednesday was spent at Darren's, pretending to do some work whilst watching Firefly. I came home and actually worked on an essay, which in truth is causing more problems - the more I write of the essay, the more I think I should completely change the focus. I'm just going to write and write and see what comes out coherently. It ought to work, in theory.
Yesterday I agreed to work two separate shifts for the agency, solely because I was offered extra money to work in the day. I couldn't refuse. Neither was particularly difficult, and in between I treated myself to Selfridges' ice cream, new make up, film magazines and DVDs. Finally buying True Romance made me very happy, and I plan to watch The Lost Boys soon. As well as that I still have a few DVDs in my boxes which haven't been watched, and I feel bad for neglecting them.
Today I worked at the university, met Darren for chocolatey goodness and spent the evening in bed. With most of my Cub article written and my essay stalled, I tidied my room a little. Not that it made a difference, it still looks a lot worse than it is.
Tomorrow I agreed to 8 hours for the agency before I go to meet Rory for drinks and ranting. I'll come home, collapse in bed and wake up on Sunday to meet mother and Captain Boring as they come down bearing food and an empty car to take away the first load of my belongings. I should start looking for somewhere to live. As it is, I have so many shifts at both jobs next week that it could prove difficult to find the time...
And holiday issues are no closer to being resolved.
Friday, 25 April 2008
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
These scars are permanent and always on display
Mine are, of course, psychological, but the thought is there nonetheless.
To add to my earlier update with something less angsty:
I've done little today, as predicted. I went to work only to be told to go home and rest. I love my job sometimes. I sat in bed, talking to the friend who needed to avoid his revision and be told what an idiot he is whilst reading The Spectator. I'm ready to start my essay tomorrow, and whilst it will no doubt be disastrous, this is the one course that I'm willing to let my grades slip in. I gave up caring in week 3.
Tomorrow I have Cub articles to write, an essay to work on and general housekeeping type things to deal with. I may take a trip east to see that boy that I can't quite seem to get rid of, and hopefully I'll be able to sort my mind out. Ha. How likely is that?
Things with the holiday are causing problems. I sense friendships falling apart. It's a horrible feeling. But then again, there's very little in my life right now that doesn't give me that feeling.
I want it to be Saturday so I can see Rory and try to work out what the hell is wrong with me.
To add to my earlier update with something less angsty:
I've done little today, as predicted. I went to work only to be told to go home and rest. I love my job sometimes. I sat in bed, talking to the friend who needed to avoid his revision and be told what an idiot he is whilst reading The Spectator. I'm ready to start my essay tomorrow, and whilst it will no doubt be disastrous, this is the one course that I'm willing to let my grades slip in. I gave up caring in week 3.
Tomorrow I have Cub articles to write, an essay to work on and general housekeeping type things to deal with. I may take a trip east to see that boy that I can't quite seem to get rid of, and hopefully I'll be able to sort my mind out. Ha. How likely is that?
Things with the holiday are causing problems. I sense friendships falling apart. It's a horrible feeling. But then again, there's very little in my life right now that doesn't give me that feeling.
I want it to be Saturday so I can see Rory and try to work out what the hell is wrong with me.
Can't say I blame you one bit
I told him. As predicted, he doesn't feel the same, although I've finally found out who his mystery crush is. He was a darling about the whole thing, as I should have known he would be. Proof if needed that if he'd just feel the same he would be perfect.
But why should I expect perfect? Nothing ever is for me. I'll never be the one he wants, and recently I've doubted if I'll ever be the one anyone wants again. I seem to be the one people turn to when there's nothing better on offer, but I'm never the first choice. Even amongst my friends it's a feeling I'm getting more and more frequently.
I'm hitting depression again, despite how hard I've fought against it for the past few weeks. This is not good.
I'll focus on the positives. Once I find them. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music.
I'm going to work. I need a distraction. It's not him that's got me down, I only told him to make myself feel better by having the closure I needed. That bit worked. I'm happier about that whole situation. But a lot of the things we talk about make me realise that nothing in my life is how it should be. It hasn't been for a while, and I really can't see how it will be ever again.
But why should I expect perfect? Nothing ever is for me. I'll never be the one he wants, and recently I've doubted if I'll ever be the one anyone wants again. I seem to be the one people turn to when there's nothing better on offer, but I'm never the first choice. Even amongst my friends it's a feeling I'm getting more and more frequently.
I'm hitting depression again, despite how hard I've fought against it for the past few weeks. This is not good.
I'll focus on the positives. Once I find them. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music.
I'm going to work. I need a distraction. It's not him that's got me down, I only told him to make myself feel better by having the closure I needed. That bit worked. I'm happier about that whole situation. But a lot of the things we talk about make me realise that nothing in my life is how it should be. It hasn't been for a while, and I really can't see how it will be ever again.
Monday, 21 April 2008
What did you expect from me?
I'm feeling marginally better, although I'm sure that has a lot to do with the medication and very little to do with actual recovery. No doubt I should have turned down the shift I was offered by the agency tomorrow evening, but clearly I'm a glutton for punishment. A genius with a headache. A very bad headache.
My laptop has been returned to me, allowing me to pretty much finish the first of the essays. Whilst it still needs to be tidied up, and I'll no doubt add more criticism, it's good to have the bulk of one out of the way. Tomorrow, whilst I should be working, I'll be stood behind the bar reading extracts from the Spectator and drafting my essay on eighteenth-century London masculinities. Wednesday I plan a day of relative rest, although in reality that just means that I'll be spending most of the day lying in bed trying to get through the basic shell of this essay. I still need to tidy my room more, and begin packing. Mum's coming to take away my things this weekend, although not all of them.
Walking around today listening to radio-friendly pop punk and indie, with the sun shining, I realised how much I'm coming to like summer. I always used to prefer autumn, but now I think that a beautiful day is made by sunshine and bright colours. I'll be working too much to really enjoy any alone time in the sun with a book, like I did last year, but at least I'll have some kind of opportunity over the holidays in the garden. Hopefully.
Cub tonight was something of a joke, with no one showing up. It looks likely that I'll be given music editor for next year, although it's not guaranteed. It will be a lot of work, but I think it's doable.
Things with Darren are unpredictable, in a way, yet at the same time so familiar. I'm happy just cuddled up with a good DVD (and we've made our way through rather a lot of those really), so life is good right now.
Apart from him. I've come so close to telling him how I feel recently, but I'm still holding back. I don't want to lose him as a friend, and I'm sure it's not me he's talking about when he describes feeling exactly how I feel about him, only for his mystery girl. I wish it could be me. It's never me.
My laptop has been returned to me, allowing me to pretty much finish the first of the essays. Whilst it still needs to be tidied up, and I'll no doubt add more criticism, it's good to have the bulk of one out of the way. Tomorrow, whilst I should be working, I'll be stood behind the bar reading extracts from the Spectator and drafting my essay on eighteenth-century London masculinities. Wednesday I plan a day of relative rest, although in reality that just means that I'll be spending most of the day lying in bed trying to get through the basic shell of this essay. I still need to tidy my room more, and begin packing. Mum's coming to take away my things this weekend, although not all of them.
Walking around today listening to radio-friendly pop punk and indie, with the sun shining, I realised how much I'm coming to like summer. I always used to prefer autumn, but now I think that a beautiful day is made by sunshine and bright colours. I'll be working too much to really enjoy any alone time in the sun with a book, like I did last year, but at least I'll have some kind of opportunity over the holidays in the garden. Hopefully.
Cub tonight was something of a joke, with no one showing up. It looks likely that I'll be given music editor for next year, although it's not guaranteed. It will be a lot of work, but I think it's doable.
Things with Darren are unpredictable, in a way, yet at the same time so familiar. I'm happy just cuddled up with a good DVD (and we've made our way through rather a lot of those really), so life is good right now.
Apart from him. I've come so close to telling him how I feel recently, but I'm still holding back. I don't want to lose him as a friend, and I'm sure it's not me he's talking about when he describes feeling exactly how I feel about him, only for his mystery girl. I wish it could be me. It's never me.
Sunday, 20 April 2008
Numb
I've spent this entire week working hard, with various trips to the library and Darren's interspersed. The Zoo on Wednesday was fantastic fun, although Cheapskates was rather enjoyable sober and ill. Today I was sent home due to my flu-like tendencies, and Candice offered to take care of me whilst she revised. I saw through this, but I'm here nonetheless.
Despite being absolutely flat broke I'm going to Darren's tonight, to see if the warmth of his room makes me any better than my freezing room would. My essay isn't finished, although with only criticism to add and a conclusion to write it looks more achievable than previously. Now to start on the other three.
Despite being absolutely flat broke I'm going to Darren's tonight, to see if the warmth of his room makes me any better than my freezing room would. My essay isn't finished, although with only criticism to add and a conclusion to write it looks more achievable than previously. Now to start on the other three.
Monday, 14 April 2008
Help Me
The last week has been spent everywhere but in my own house. Seeing Darren so often has been brilliant. Not because there's something going on, but for precisely the opposite reason. Just having a friend to feel so comfortable around, someone who makes me laugh, is something I've needed since I moved to London. It's something I'll need even more when I go home, and will struggle to find.
My supposed best friend came to stay on Saturday, and that's all she did. I spent a grand total of around 2 hours with her, the rest of her time being given over to her favourite band. Whilst I understand the devotion she has, I was hurt that she didn't make more of an effort to see how I was or catch up. And it only made me the more aware of the fact that she's never come to see me without Muse being involved, and that recently she hasn't even had time for talking. Moving away is certainly an eye-opener.
After something of a revelation whilst on tour, my life is certainly back on track. Realising my priorities was something I'd needed to do for months, and now I've worked out who I am and what I want I feel much happier than I have in a long time. I suppose the busy lifestyle I've forced on myself could help, I hardly have a moment to think of anything outside of work and university right now, although I'm making time for friends who need me more than I need myself.
26 days until the Obsession. 25 days too long.
My supposed best friend came to stay on Saturday, and that's all she did. I spent a grand total of around 2 hours with her, the rest of her time being given over to her favourite band. Whilst I understand the devotion she has, I was hurt that she didn't make more of an effort to see how I was or catch up. And it only made me the more aware of the fact that she's never come to see me without Muse being involved, and that recently she hasn't even had time for talking. Moving away is certainly an eye-opener.
After something of a revelation whilst on tour, my life is certainly back on track. Realising my priorities was something I'd needed to do for months, and now I've worked out who I am and what I want I feel much happier than I have in a long time. I suppose the busy lifestyle I've forced on myself could help, I hardly have a moment to think of anything outside of work and university right now, although I'm making time for friends who need me more than I need myself.
26 days until the Obsession. 25 days too long.
Sunday, 6 April 2008
I'm not so sure if I'm sure of anything, anymore
I went out on a high. I was on the barrier screaming my heart out amidst people who barely seemed to know what band was on. I met Ratboy. I got a setlist. I bought a shirt. Despite having no voice at all, I really made the most of it.
Now to wait for them to return.
Today I came home, and realised that my laptop has given up. Again. I'm not impressed, to say the least. I have a million things going on right now and none of them are particularly positive, although if Ticketmaster manage to help then I'll at least get to maintain GC tradition tomorrow.
One more new Trio song, one more reason to wish it was May 10th.
And as for him. It's always too good to be true.
Now to wait for them to return.
Today I came home, and realised that my laptop has given up. Again. I'm not impressed, to say the least. I have a million things going on right now and none of them are particularly positive, although if Ticketmaster manage to help then I'll at least get to maintain GC tradition tomorrow.
One more new Trio song, one more reason to wish it was May 10th.
And as for him. It's always too good to be true.
Friday, 4 April 2008
In Vein
Quite a lot has happened I suppose. Once again, chronology is my best bet.
Wednesday. I got the train to Nottingham, where Bradders met me at the station. I left my stuff in his room and we headed off to the pub for a quick drink before hitting the Rescue Rooms. Blackhole were good, although I still don't find them to be anything special. Scary Kids were much the same as in Colchester, they really haven't had the best of luck with sound this week. Drop Dead, Gorgeous were actually quite enjoyable with the right sound levels. Whilst I still don't like their music particularly, I will admit that they're quite fun to watch. If only because the keyboard player is stunning. I wormed my way onto the barrier for the first few songs and enjoyed singing some classics that will always make me smile. I danced with Bradders and was stunned by the songs which I had missed the night before:
Rendez-Voodoo
INRIhab
The New Black
Ebolarama
I've never viewed Ebolarama as a closer myself, but it works well. I'll never think it's better than Floater as far as last songs go, but it's a good 'un none the less. We went back to Brad's house to listen to Azriel, talk about music and fall asleep. I did something some people may believe I should regret, but I don't. I've wanted to for a long time and I see no shame in me taking an opportunity.
Thursday I woke up and showered, and headed off to the train station yet again. Adam bailed on me, so rather than indulging in coffee or a gayer drink I went to the Academy to lurk. I met Andy, which made my day. The background on my phone has never made me smile quite so much as it does right now at the sight of his huge beard and cheesy grin. I sat outside for a good while and was rewarded with a spot at the very front of the stage. In front of Jordan, yet again. Finding out that it was in fact in Academy 3 after I'd heard it was upgraded was the best news I could have hoped for, and the show was so brilliant that I actually began to doubt that the London Astoria Trio show of '05 is the greatest live show of all time. This is something akin to me realising the world is coming to an end. A Gentleman's Sport instead of INRIhab, and off home on an overnight coach I went.
Today I had my final lecture as a second year. An intimidating prospect for sure. I'm not entirely certain where the last year and a half of my life has gone, but it's lost and I'm a little worried at how quickly my time at university is drawing to a close. Well, in a way. I don't ever plan to leave university really, so I suppose I should say my time as an undergraduate. I went to the pub with Lorraine and from there went to meet Rory by the river. We drank and talked and listened to the newly released pre-mix In Vein, provided for the Blood Pact last night. It's promising. I adore it, which means the album should be brilliant. In theory. I'll find out come July 1st.
Oxford tomorrow, then no more ETID for a while. How sad.
Wednesday. I got the train to Nottingham, where Bradders met me at the station. I left my stuff in his room and we headed off to the pub for a quick drink before hitting the Rescue Rooms. Blackhole were good, although I still don't find them to be anything special. Scary Kids were much the same as in Colchester, they really haven't had the best of luck with sound this week. Drop Dead, Gorgeous were actually quite enjoyable with the right sound levels. Whilst I still don't like their music particularly, I will admit that they're quite fun to watch. If only because the keyboard player is stunning. I wormed my way onto the barrier for the first few songs and enjoyed singing some classics that will always make me smile. I danced with Bradders and was stunned by the songs which I had missed the night before:
Rendez-Voodoo
INRIhab
The New Black
Ebolarama
I've never viewed Ebolarama as a closer myself, but it works well. I'll never think it's better than Floater as far as last songs go, but it's a good 'un none the less. We went back to Brad's house to listen to Azriel, talk about music and fall asleep. I did something some people may believe I should regret, but I don't. I've wanted to for a long time and I see no shame in me taking an opportunity.
Thursday I woke up and showered, and headed off to the train station yet again. Adam bailed on me, so rather than indulging in coffee or a gayer drink I went to the Academy to lurk. I met Andy, which made my day. The background on my phone has never made me smile quite so much as it does right now at the sight of his huge beard and cheesy grin. I sat outside for a good while and was rewarded with a spot at the very front of the stage. In front of Jordan, yet again. Finding out that it was in fact in Academy 3 after I'd heard it was upgraded was the best news I could have hoped for, and the show was so brilliant that I actually began to doubt that the London Astoria Trio show of '05 is the greatest live show of all time. This is something akin to me realising the world is coming to an end. A Gentleman's Sport instead of INRIhab, and off home on an overnight coach I went.
Today I had my final lecture as a second year. An intimidating prospect for sure. I'm not entirely certain where the last year and a half of my life has gone, but it's lost and I'm a little worried at how quickly my time at university is drawing to a close. Well, in a way. I don't ever plan to leave university really, so I suppose I should say my time as an undergraduate. I went to the pub with Lorraine and from there went to meet Rory by the river. We drank and talked and listened to the newly released pre-mix In Vein, provided for the Blood Pact last night. It's promising. I adore it, which means the album should be brilliant. In theory. I'll find out come July 1st.
Oxford tomorrow, then no more ETID for a while. How sad.
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
Savour it, savour it
EVERYTHING VANISHES.
Except my love for Every Time I Die. After a pointless seminar in the morning and several hours of doing nothing, I headed off to Colchester. I missed Blackholes, which is no great loss as I've seen them before and will see them again. Scary Kids Scaring Kids would have benefitted from better levels in their sound, but at least they played The City Sleeps In Flames. Not bad at all. Drop Dead, Gorgeous however were apalling. Quite possibly the worst band I have ever seen live. The thought of seeing them again makes me quite sad if I'm honest.
But it didn't matter in the end. Because ETID were phenomenal. Having to leave early put a slight dampener on the evening, but as soon as I said I'd leave after the next song they kicked into I Been Gone A Long Time, so at least I went out on a high.
Setlist before I left:
We'rewolf
Romeo A Go-Go
Apocalypse Now And Then
Cities And Years
Kill The Music
OFF BROADWAY!!
No Son Of Mine
Pigs Is Pigs
Floater
Bored Stiff
I Been Gone A Long Time
The Hot Damn! songs got a better reaction than I expected, although I'd never anticipated a bigger shoutback in Off Broadway than Floater. Unusual. Of course, Bored Stiff got the best reaction of all the songs I saw, what with the average age of the crowd being about 14 and therefore the word "cunt" being the greatest thing they could ever imagine. I'm looking forward to seeing the whole set tonight.
I slept through my lecture this morning, something which I've done entirely too often this year. I'll make up for it, if I missed anything worth knowing. I'm going to get ready, get on the train and head off to Nottingham to see Bradders and get my drink on before we party all night. Tonight will easily top last night, if only because I have the company of someone I adore.
I sort of miss him. How pathetic.
Except my love for Every Time I Die. After a pointless seminar in the morning and several hours of doing nothing, I headed off to Colchester. I missed Blackholes, which is no great loss as I've seen them before and will see them again. Scary Kids Scaring Kids would have benefitted from better levels in their sound, but at least they played The City Sleeps In Flames. Not bad at all. Drop Dead, Gorgeous however were apalling. Quite possibly the worst band I have ever seen live. The thought of seeing them again makes me quite sad if I'm honest.
But it didn't matter in the end. Because ETID were phenomenal. Having to leave early put a slight dampener on the evening, but as soon as I said I'd leave after the next song they kicked into I Been Gone A Long Time, so at least I went out on a high.
Setlist before I left:
We'rewolf
Romeo A Go-Go
Apocalypse Now And Then
Cities And Years
Kill The Music
OFF BROADWAY!!
No Son Of Mine
Pigs Is Pigs
Floater
Bored Stiff
I Been Gone A Long Time
The Hot Damn! songs got a better reaction than I expected, although I'd never anticipated a bigger shoutback in Off Broadway than Floater. Unusual. Of course, Bored Stiff got the best reaction of all the songs I saw, what with the average age of the crowd being about 14 and therefore the word "cunt" being the greatest thing they could ever imagine. I'm looking forward to seeing the whole set tonight.
I slept through my lecture this morning, something which I've done entirely too often this year. I'll make up for it, if I missed anything worth knowing. I'm going to get ready, get on the train and head off to Nottingham to see Bradders and get my drink on before we party all night. Tonight will easily top last night, if only because I have the company of someone I adore.
I sort of miss him. How pathetic.
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