You told me once I made you smile

we both know damn well I didn't.

I haven't been entirely productive today, although I can't say I'm surprised. A long lie-in took up the entire morning, before a brief visit to Bury to pick up necessaries for the Agency work. A late birthday meal for little brother to end the day, then home to spend hours talking nonsense with the boy.

Perhaps my paranoia isn't as bad as it used to be. The length of time I spent with Matt certainly did wonders for my self-esteem, but finding out that the last few months of our relationship was little more than a lie plunged me back to depths I hadn't seen since the age of 14, maybe 15. Dark, dark days, ones which I thought I'd left far behind. I've put on a magnificent front in recent months, making everyone believe that I was better than ever. I even believed it myself for a time. Stephen came closest to seeing my true state of mind, but even he only glanced at the surface of my troubles. In reality, my depression had crept back in and taken over, and there were days when I truly couldn't stand any more. It all seemed so melodramatic as a teenager, but when the exact same feelings still torment you after so long, you begin to wonder if there's really something behind it.

There's something about him that seems to make it all go away.