Life is too short to be lived without poetry

New uni year, new attempt with the blog. This summer's been one of change, not all good. I'm trying to make a lot of changes in myself, which is difficult, but hopefully it will work. Spending all of today in bed wasn't part of the plan.

So I'm trying to eat a bit more healthily, pay off my debts, keep on top of my uni work, be more positive and make more of an effort with people. Massive ask.

I remembered my blog again. I'm so bad at this.

Things haven't exactly been perfect recently. A lot of things have gone on in my family, and whilst (almost) everyone seems to be a lot happier now that they are, to some extent, resolved, I feel awful. Whatever I may be told, or what I may know, I feel guilty. I can't even begin to explain why. I hope it passes.

I have little motivation to do my uni work, which is odd. I'm so determined to get a first, but I'm not making it easy for myself at all. I procrastinate constantly, and I've wasted so many hours this week alone which could have been spent on an essay or my dissertation. I anticipate using 24 hour library opening frequently over the next 2 months, if only to take me away from the distractions of my house.

On that subject (the house I mean) I have no idea what's happening. Until I know for certain which uni I'll be at come September I'm postponing making any plans for when I'm unceremoniously forced to leave my home in the middle of May. The atmosphere around here is horrific, but I'm taking comfort in the fact that I'm blameless. I haven't even shouted. This is a big deal for me. I've always struggled with my temper, and to have kept it so well over the last few weeks makes me proud. Go me.

Been to some awesome shows, as always. By the end of June I will have seen all 6 of my favourite artists in 2009. Nearly all of the top 10 in fact. It's brilliant.

This week has been somewhat crazy. My birthday celebrations were a lot of fun, and I got to spend time with people I really should see more often than I actually do, which is always good. Yesterday was 5 months since Tom and I got together, celebrated with a lovely Mexican meal and a lot of junk food. And today...well, I'm supposed to be putting in lots of effort to do my uni work for this week. So far, not so much. But I'm going to now. Promise.

21 and invincible

Well, very nearly.
First week back at uni this week. I do feel like I have a lot to do to get the first I've promised myself, but if I knuckle down just a little bit more I'm sure it's achievable. I think. I hope. Oh I don't know anymore.
I'm home for the weekend. Mum seems to be trying to overcompensate for general family rubbishness, which is sweet but a tad uncomfortable. Shopping and a meal tomorrow, then back to London on Sunday. Monday sees the big 2-1, and a night with the majority of my favourite people. A week of partying, and celebrating 5 whole months with the boy, will fill out the rest of the next 10 days. I can see my grades slipping already....but hey, work hard and play hard.

Film reviews, 1-4th January

Twilight
Yes, I went to see it. It's awesome. I really didn't expect to enjoy it quite so much, but it surprised me. The acting is good, the story is a classic, the effects are cringey at times, but it's still fantastic. 8/10

The Spirit
Visually, this film doesn't disappoint. It looks almost as good as Sin City. Almost. However, the story is bland, the acting barely covers the lack of a strong plot, and the real appeal is seeing the variety of beautiful women in various states of undress. It had so much potential, but it just doesn't hit the mark. 5/10

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Guillermo del Toro's labour of love, and it shows. The level of detail in crowd scenes, the individual monsters, the story and the visual splendour are reminiscent of the first film, only slightly better. The humour is perfectly placed, nothing feels forced, and the 'monster' characters somehow feel more real than the humans. 7/10

Eastern Promises
I expected this to have a definite cringe-factor - non-Russians playing Russian parts could easily have backfired. Viggo Mortensen is a revelation, tough but with a clear moral centre. The violence is not excessive, and the story is believable. The characters are well-played and easy to connect with - the villains seem the more villainous for their obvious human flaws. Interesting and well-made, but not entirely my thing. 6/10

New year, new challenge

I'm attempting the 101 in 1001. If you don't know, you have 1001 days to complete 101 tasks which you set yourself. Starting on the 1st of January, I have until 29th of September 2011.

Here's my list:

Give blood
Go one month without biting my nails (/30)
Visit Italy
Save £1500 (£100/1500)
Donate money to charity
Be able to say I have read all 200 books from the BBC's Big Read (82/200)
Write a list of 101 things that make me happy (/101)
Take up a new hobby
Learn a new language
Go a day without swearing
Adopt a penguin
Get at least a high 2:1 in my degree
Give up chocolate, sweets and fizzy drinks for 2 weeks (/14)
Learn to cook ten different meals (/10)
Take pictures related to at least 40 of these tasks (/40)
Subscribe to Empire magazine
Go to the gym three times a week for a month (/12)
Stick to my weekly budget for three consecutive months (/12)
Get my provisional driving licence
Have at least one driving lesson
Clear my credit card
Watch 100 films I have never seen before (/100)
Stay in a relationship for over a year (4.5/12)
Take my Alkaline Trio live total to 30 times (15/30)
Empty my wardrobe and take all unwanted clothes to charity shops
Watch the sun set
Get a new tattoo to do with literature
See Symphonie Fantastique live
Go to the theatre 4 times in a calendar year (/4)
Update my blog once a week for a calendar year (/52)
Go to the opera
Get a First Aid certification
Go one week without the internet
Read 5 books published in 2000 (/5)
Write in my personal diary every day for three months (/60)
Style my hair properly every day for a month (/30)
Use my skincare products twice a day for a month (/30)
Eat only food from my house (no buying chocolate or takeaways!) every day for 2 weeks (/14)
Watch all 100 of the AFI’s 100 years, 100 movies (19/100)
See a Shakespeare play at the theatre
Read 5 Shakespeare plays I have never read before (/5)
Write ten new poems (/10)
Complete an internship at a magazine
Run for charity
bake a cake
Get a manicure
Identify 25 things I like about myself
Transfer 10% of every paycheck into my savings
Get a place on a Masters course
Decide on my PhD subject
Participate in the Jack The Ripper walk
Write a list of 20 sights around the world which I want to see (/20)
Visit at least 5 of them (/5)
Write 10 letters to my boyfriend (/10)
Host a themed movie night
Travel first class
Buy a copy of “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”
Own a copy of every Dickens novel
Go two weeks without wearing a single band t shirt (/14)
Make my bed every day for three months (/60)
Get up at 7.30 every day for two weeks (/14)
Complete a crossword
Go one week without complaining (/7)
Make a list of my twenty favourite albums of all time (/20)
Eat vegetarian for one week
Go to the dentist
Try ten new foods (/10)
Put £2 in my savings for every challenge completed
Donate £2 to charity for every challenge not completed
Have 30 Disney films in my DVD collection by the end of the 1001 days (10/30?)
Have a board game party
Attend the graduation ball at QMUL
Feed the ducks
Own every Tim Burton film currently available on DVD
Upload 5 photos to Deviant Art every month for 6 consecutive months (/30)
Visit 5 museums
See a film in IMAX
Finally meet Ben!
Listen to every song on my IPOD
Call both of my parents once a week for two months
Buy a new laptop
Make a list of all books and DVDs that I own
register to vote
Wear my stilettos in public 5 times (/5)
Watch a live burlesque show
Ask Tom to think of 5 challenges for me
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Ask my parents to think of 5 challenges for me
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Pay my Nan the money I owe her from my house deposit
See Ross Noble with Emily
Buy a new necklace
Wear make-up every day for a week

I got so scared that I forgot my name

or so busy that I forgot about my blog. I think Skiba was more poetic about it than me though. This post won't make much sense. I apologise.

So. The end of 2008 is upon us. As I welcomed the year in a bar in Manchester, I promised myself that it would be the best year I've ever had. And honestly, I think I pretty much managed it.
University has gone well. Whilst I haven't really felt like I've worked much so far this year, I've kept on top of everything, and I've even started writing my dissertation. I've paid for this with a lack of social life (I've been working at the SU a LOT), but that is a resolution for 2009 taken care of.
Things with Tom are still wonderful. 4 and a half months have flown by, and spending Christmas with his family last week felt so natural. It's a good feeling.
My family seems to be self-destructing a little. I can't really say much in blog format, especially since I currently have literally no idea at all of what's happening. Needless to say, it's not helped with my sleep trouble.
Cub has been brilliant, editing a section is exhausting but as I now have my replacement ready to be trained the weight is definitely lifted. Shared, rather than removed. But lessened nonetheless.

I've also restarted my LOVEfilm account and will be buying a new Genesis pass, so film reviews are inevitably going to return to this page.

My 2009 resolutions:
1. Make more of an effort with my friends - friendship works two ways and I apologise profusely to everyone for being such an ass recently.
2. Write more reviews.
3. Put 110% into every remaining piece of university work - I need to get a fantastic grade or I'll hate myself forever.

I'm sure there's more, but those are clearly the important ones since they come to mind most readily.

I'm going to continue reading Romola whilst listening to Stephen Fry's very soothing voice.

Soco Amaretto Lime

You're just jealous 'cause I'm young in love

So I lied when I said I'd keep on top of this. I'm back in London, trying to work and failing miserably. I move into my house a week tomorrow, although with mother otherwise occupied I'll be continuing to live on the contents of my suitcase for yet another week. Which means no cooking equipment, no bedding and, most terrifyingly of all, no DVDs. Thankfully that week happens to also be Fresher's Week so at least I'll be busy.

My summer ended well. A new (fanastic) boyfriend, my favourite band overcoming severe heartbreak to show me just why it is I love them, a weekend up to my knees in mud watching some incredible bands whilst being in what can only be described as an horrific mood with my friends...and then I came back down South.

Life is good.

It's been a long time coming

and you'd think I'd have more to say. Not having a job for the entirety of my summer has meant that I've done very little other than go to the gym. I waitressed at both the Golf Open and the Tatton Park Flower Show, and I've been out every Saturday night for around 5 weeks now. And that's it.

The Dark Knight is quite probably the best film I've ever seen in my life. So good that I can't even begin a proper review. Perhaps one day I'll manage it. For now, I need only say that the acting was superb, the effects almost equally impressive and the entire world of Gotham as seen by Nolan is perfection. I'm so very pleased.


I'm going to read Watchmen for the rest of the night and actually keep on top of this blog from now on. I promise. Back to London for 2 nights in 14 days. I can't wait.

Over the fear and through the flames

I've got a few different things I want to do today, so I'll try and attack them one at a time.

1) My life for the last week. Once again, I can't confess to having done anything noteworthy. I visited Quarry Bank Mill on Sunday, under the pretence of needing to start my dissertation research. Strictly speaking, this wasn't the best place to start, but nonetheless I enjoyed it. The history of the mill is wonderful. I also took my new camera out for the first time, which is always good.
Dad's giving me photography lessons over the summer, which should be fun. I only take pictures for fun, but it would be nice to make the most of the cameras I have and their many settings.
Gaz came round on Wednesday, which was shocking to say the very least. We watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and talked about a variety of things, none of which mattered in the least. I just appreciated the company and the fact that Gaz had taken the time to come to me for a change.
Tomorrow I'm going out for the first time in a good long while. I plan to drink a fair bit and forget my worries for one night. It's only me and Jennie, but still, it beats another Saturday night at home.

2. I want to start adding in music reviews to this blog. So here's the first. As Dave said, I can hardly remove the bias from this, but I shall try my best.
Agony and Irony - Alkaline Trio
Yes, they're my favourite band of all time. Yes, a variation on their logo was my first tattoo. Yes, I debatably love them more than anything else in life. But stepping down from my "I *heart* Trio" soapbox for a moment, I still see this album as something special. It's different in a familiar way. Anyone who loves the catchy melodies and upbeat rhythms of From Here To Infirmary can hardly find fault with songs such as "Calling All Skeletons" and "Lost And Rendered". Whilst the punk purists will lament the high production levels, each song is polished to perfection without detracting from the emotion and power of the music and lyrics. Dan Adriano's songs are arguably stronger than Matt Skiba's, particularly late addition "Do You Wanna Know?". The band have clearly matured and found their sound as a collective entity, accepting that they are no longer 20 year olds and singing songs about the things that matter to them in their adulthood. I for one couldn't be happier. 9/10.

Obviously that was going to be a favourable review, perhaps my next one will have considerably less bias.

3. Another meme from Erykah.
“To participate, you grab any book, go to page 123, find the fifth sentence, and blog it. Then tag five people.”
I won't tag 5 people, but here we go.
"The story of Turin's madness after the slaying of Beleg, the guidance of Gwindor, and the release of Turin's tears at Eithel Ivrin, is here in embryo".
J.R.R Tolkien - The Book Of Lost Tales Part 2

4. Films!
The Lives of Others was a brave film to make. It's nearly 20 years since the Wall fell, but really that's no time at all. These sorts of issues (the existence of the Communist state and its dependence on surveillance) are still at the forefront of a lot of people's minds and memories, luckily the risk paid off. The contrast between Wiesler and the other members of the Stasi was handled wonderfully, and was played in such a subtle way that one can hardly help feeling a connection to him despite his position in the secret police force. Very enjoyable, if a little difficult to follow at times due to subtitles. 6/10

Pan's Labyrinth is rightly acknowledged as a modern classic. Del Toro takes the fairy tale world and brings it together with the horrors of modern warfare in a way which makes both worlds seem equally terrifying. Without wanting to give anything away, all I will say is that this is one of the greatest films I have seen ever. Wonderfully acted, with perfect cinematography and a deft handling of subject matter. 9/10.

aDulthood, like its predecessor, delves deep into the subculture of the London estates and emerges on the other side with a positive message. Noel Clarke, acting as writer, director and leading man, has achieved something quite remarkable. Whilst remaining naturalistic in the dialogue and setting, aDulthood combines humour and violence with heartwrenching situations and a message to "the youth". No one could accuse Clarke et al of glamourising gang warfare. 7/10.

I've also rewatched a number of my favourite films - True Romance, Pride and Prejudice, LOTR, and finally got around to watching Fight Club one last time to give it a final chance to wow me. It finally did.

Where did you go when the lights went black?

So Trio just posted their entire album on Myspace. I can finally listen without guilt. And I am SO glad I waited.
I don't know what I expected. Before I heard any of the songs I really thought I'd be disappointed. I thought there'd be a few songs I loved but the rest would be bland. I've never been so wrong. There's only one track I'm not too fond of, the rest are magnificent. Like all the best bits of my favourite songs put together in one superb package. I cried a little, I won't lie.

Best. Year. Ever.




Oh and I have an interview to do some rubbish sales and marketing thing next week. I hate myself.

Completely forgot to add the bold to that setlist.

Born to be my baby.
Always.
Blood On Blood.
Dry County.

Those ones are from my top 5.

These five words I swear to you

Bon Jovi. Oh my god.
Living On A Prayer.
Born To Be My Baby.
Keep The Faith.
It's My Life.
I'll Be There For You.
Blaze Of Glory.
Wanted.
Bad Medicine.
You Give Love A Bad Name.
Someday I'll Be Saturday Night
ALWAYS!!! <3
Have A Nice Day
Who Says You Can't Go Home?
Sleep When I'm Dead
In These Arms
Dry County
Diamond Ring
Blood On Blood
I'd Die For You

The 4 in bold are all from my top 5 Bon Jovi songs. They played 4 or 5 songs off the new album too, but compared to last time that's nothing. I was over the moon. Always was my favourite song for 8 years, it was just stunning.

Other than that I have little to tell. I went to the gym on Friday, I finally had a shift at work on Saturday. I worked in a suite at Haydock Park, made £11.80 in tips which was pretty sweet. It wasn't a hard shift, so really I can't complain.

Yet another development in the mess that is my love life. I've changed my mind yet again, and come to a decision which actually works. I feel considerably better.

Whatever happened to that silly dream you had?

This week. Much the same as all the weeks before, truth be told. I've come close to making a decision about my trainwreck love life, although recently I'm falling back towards yet another guy I can't have. These things seem to follow me.

I've been to the gym a lot and applied for a lot more jobs. I'm bored and restless, and I don't like it one bit.

Over the past few days I've watched Finding Nemo, Batman, Batman Returns and Monsters, Inc. All fantastic films.
Today is Orange Wednesday, so I saw The Incredible Hulk with Jennie. Whilst the dialogue was stilted and lacking a lot in the way of emotion, a superhero film (in my eyes) doesn't need it so much as it needs fantastic action and a good villain. Both of which Hulk has. Wonderful. 7/10.

Erykah tagged me to do this. I only know of 2 people who read my blog so I shalln't bother tagging myself, but as I was commanded, I shall do as I'm told.
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to.

1. Pink Roses - Glassjaw It just came on my WMP and I absolutely adore it. My favourite Glassjaw song, I never get tired of it. Plus, it's coming up to a year since I saw them and I'm in pure nostalgia mode.
2. Murder - Ashlee Simpson I love Ashlee Simpson a fair bit. This is my fave song off the new album and I seem to listen to it at least twice a day at the moment. Partially because it's on my gym playlist and partially because I just love it.
3. London Bridge - Fergie I don't know. I really don't. I just can't stop listening to it.
4. In Vein - Alkaline Trio Nearly time for the new album. I'm resisting downloading the leaked version, so I've stuck with the EP and this is my favourite song on it.
5. Jetlag - Frank Turner Easily the most beautiful song I've heard in ages. Stunning. Not much more to be said.
6. We're All Alone - Architects I haven't seen them in a while, and with Ghostfest being a possibility I started listening to them again. In my opinion, probably the best song they've ever written. Not my favourite, but their best.
7. Wake The Dead - Comeback Kid Tune. Simple as. Listen to it in the gym a lot and at home to get me excited for seeing them next month. Even though I'm already excited.

I'll do a proper blog update soon maybe. I don't have much to say.

In an attempt to get the creative juices flowing again, I did a freewrite this afternoon. I spent five minutes writing on a title given on allpoetry: The inconvenience of being uninspired. Whilst the freewrite itself was nothing special, I took my highlighter to a few phrases which echoed my feelings quite accurately whilst simultaneously continuing my previous writing style and giving me room to write more.
I came up with a flowing prose...thing. Shocking that an English student has no idea what to call this. Anyway, I'm glad that it's the first thing in my new notebook, because I think it very accurately describes myself and the processes I'll be going through to write again.

My thoughts are unpoetic. What runs through my head is not unique or beautiful. I am not visionary. I cannot fill these pages merely by willing the words to appear. Each rounded, looped, crossed and dotted letter is the product of a mechanical thought. That which is mechanic is forced and planned - it can never be poetic.
If I were a great Romantic I would dedicate every line of this book to the muses, to Classical deities long forgotten and never believed in. I am a cynic in an age of atheism; the muses have forsaken me because I choose not to believe in them. A fair and mutual agreement I think.
I am not a great Romantic. My thoughts are unpoetic. Each curl of my hair does not drip assonance and similes. My blood does not cry out in metaphor or apostrophise an absent lover. My heart does not beat in iambic pentameter, my pulse has no foot. There is no romance in my body, just as there is no poetry in my mind.
Beauty cannot inspire me, yet it moves me. My soul craves melody, harmony and song. I no longer sing with my own words.
I need beauty in all things, but I am not a Romantic. I am no aesthete. I am not a poet.

They found me face down in the street

I've spent the last two days reading, basking in the sun and listening to my favourite band. My new phone arrived, and I played darts. That's all. Whilst I would normally be twitching to do something by now, my sleep pattern has left me appreciating my lazy days considerably more than usual.

Tomorrow I'm spending the entire day with Jennie, doing girly things and joining the gym. I've gone far too long without any kind of exercise, and I need something to fill up some time and get me out of the house. We'll see how it goes.

Films. I'm putting off the PT Film Club review for a little longer, as we're still waiting for a fair few people to watch the film and make discussion worthwhile. Today I watched The Aristocats, a classic Disney film (despite there being so much of Robin Hood in it!). Really there's not much more you can say, childhood films are wonderful, particularly Disney classics. I've just finished Children of Men. I can't quite decide exactly how I feel about it. The uprising scene is fantastic in every way, and almost makes up for the rest of the film failing to really grip me as it probably should have done. I think the problem is that, as far as visions of the future of mankind go, I've become rather too well acquainted with V For Vendetta, and find this to be considerably lacking in many of the things which made that film so great. Clive Owen is quite good, although on reflection he hardly speaks. Perhaps that's why. On a scale of 1-10 I'd say a generic 6 - nothing special, but not particularly apalling either.

I hope this is goodbye

I change my mind everyday when it comes to him. I know I'm a fool, falling for everything he says when I know it's all lies. And yet, every time he comes into my life I do the same thing. The more I can convince myself that I'll never mean anything to him, the easier this whole business will be. I can't do this anymore.

On a more positive note, I found a job. Another hospitality agency, much like the one I work for in London, only this one deals primarily in sporting events. With four offices around the country, we get to travel around a fair bit (with travel, accommodation and food paid for by the company if we have to stay somewhere). I'm looking forward to getting my first job emails through tomorrow, I'm itching to get out and start working. We get paid weekly as well, so I'll be able to get into my budget habits again. In theory at least.

I spent yesterday in Liverpool at DM's gig. Well, in truth I hardly spent any time at the show, as Sheen and Chris kept deciding to go wandering and I went with them. It was good to see Sheeny again, our regular 6-month catch up as we're beginning to see it. We talked about old times, pop punk and messed up love lives. Considering it was the first time I've met Chris we got on really well, mostly because we have a similar taste in music. If it means I don't have to go to The Black Dahlia Murder alone on Wednesday, I shalln't complain. Seeing DM is always wonderful, it's just a shame it doesn't happen more often. Although this year we appear to be setting a new record for actual face-to-face interaction.

I watched Elephant earlier this week, but I'm going to hold off on reviewing it, as I want it to be my choice for the PT film club. Speaking of which, I'm watching this week's right now. Review in a couple of days once the discussion is really under way.

Telling myself it's true

I spent last night with him. A boy who means more to me than I've ever liked to admit, even to myself. Recently I've come to realise that people change as the times change, and that maybe someone you once never believed can now be trusted. This theory will be put to the test over the next few weeks, I'm sure, but for now I'm playing it by ear. Which is not a process I enjoy. Needs must however, and I'm happy just to have him back in my life. We drank, we talked, we watched films and we laughed. I love Leeds, and it really is an option for my MA. But looking deeper into the courses today, Sheffield stand out so much more. Any course where I can study realism, Russian literature and the evolution of Chartism is clearly tailor made for me. But that's another bridge to be crossed later.

Films.
Yesterday I watched La Vie en Rose, an absolutely fantastic biography of Edith Piaf. Whilst subtitled films obviously require much greater concentration than my usual fare, I found that I was still able to connect to the characters and tragedies on the screen. In terms of cinematography the entire film was evocative of its era, lush yet muted colours which truly suited the time and place of the action. Marion Cotillard was a revelation, and I understand the Awards buzz around her now. Wonderful.
Today has been a mixed bag. Black Sheep is awful. That's all that needs to be said. The Lost Boys, whilst enjoyable, felt distant to me. I felt no real interest or connection, and merely treated the film as something to look at rather than watch. Bright Young Things on the other hand was phenomenal. As with La Vie en Rose, the entire cinematography and feel of the film created the period setting so wonderfully that I almost felt as though I was enjoying the decadent '30s myself. Funny, smart, colourful and sarcastic in a way that screams of Mr. Fry, any film involving James McAvoy and David Tennant could hardly have failed to disappoint me.

Crashing inside you like motorbikes

Now that I've removed the choler from my system with my earlier post, I can focus on the more day-to-day things.
I moved home yesterday. Whilst I'm happy to be back somewhere where I don't have to worry about bills or cooking, I'm a little restless already. My concentration is non-existant, I'm struggling to find a job, and my creativity is at an all-time low. I'm going to set myself some poetry tasks to start writing again, although admittedly I've said that repeatedly this year. And last year. And the year before.

I watched the first Punktastic Film Club film last week, and as our discussion has started now, I'll post my review.

Sharkwater is not the type of film I would usually watch. Despite this, I found myself drawn into the plight of the sharks by the passion of the filmmaker and the sheer beauty of the shots. Combining the pure emotion of the anti-finning community with scientific facts aiming to confront the negative image of the shark, against the brutality and stupidity of the hunters and governments supporting the finning trade, the documentary manages to both inform and move the viewer at the same time. For someone who had no idea about the finning trade and the extensive nature of shark hunting, such as myself, the film provided an encompassing view of the entire problem. The final screen informs us that 15,000 sharks have been killed whilst the film has played - 15,000 in 2 hours. Pause for thought indeed.